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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  March 12, 2014 1:30am-2:01am PDT

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[cheers and applause] >> jon: those our show. here it is your moment zen. ukraine's revolution was supported by some of most powerful people in the country like billion this billionaire. >> people are not familiar with me because many of the -- >> you are the seventh richest ma >> stephen: tonight, a new trend hits college campuses,
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then immediately moves back home with its parents. then, what are today's employers looking for? a job. and my guest, ronan farrow, went from working for hillary clinton to hosting his own show on msnbcs, so he's still working for hillary clinton. ( cheers and applause ) the e.u. wants to ban american cheese makers from using the name "parmesan. of fine, then they can't use the name "whitz." this is the "colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central ( cheers and applause ) ( cheers and applause )
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>> stephen! stephen! stephen! stevein! stephen! stephen stephen! >> stephen: welcome to the report. thank you for joining us, ladies and gentlemen. ( cheers and applause ) i want to thank everybody out there in america who is watching us right now. and now as you can tell, i also want to thank everybody who is in the studio right now. these people are not just an audience. these people are storm troopers for justice. ( cheers and applause ). folks, if you watch the show-- and i hope you do watch the show--im as catholic as it gets, but i have not been shy about my problems with this pope. for one thing, it's six months after labor kay day, and he's still wearing white. ( laughter ) so much for infallibility. but he has done a lot to broaden the appeal of the church. and there's a new development that will make the pope even more pope-ular than ever.
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>> the popular pope francis is getting his own magazine, a 6 68-page magazine hit the italian newsstands offers a glossy look into the pope as well as peeks into his personal life. >> stephen: starting a new print magazine! boom! i say, take that skeptics. this proves the church is only half a century behind the times. ( cheers and applause ) information, i just love it. el mio papa is even better than pope benedict's magazine. now, folks, for a papal fan boy like me, it is a... come true. has cool toips where to stand in st. peter's for the apostolic blessing. it has pictures of the pope's
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crib. oh, yeah, that's where the abstinence happens. plus, every issue, every issue comes with a special pull-out centerfold poster of il papa. look at that right there. ( cheers and applause ). look at that little dream boat. this is going up on my dream board, next to my cardinal dolan shetland pony collage. now, folks, as a youth trend follower, you know i love the huffingtonpost. it is my go-to number one source for picture of cheetos that look like masturbating men, and reports of when a starlet shows major side boob, or flawnts major side boob. side boob, of course, often the tragic early warning signs of
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imminent nip slips. there's more to pohuf thoon salacious stories about celebrities. there are also salacious stories about college students. college students warm up to the back door. now, obviously, obviously, that provocative teaser is just bait and could mean anything, but it means exactly what you think it means. because according to the puffing-host, the latest rage on college campuses is age sex. yes, yes, it is a college fad like seeing how many students you can fit into a phone booth, and i'm guessing with anal sex, you can fit a lot more. now huffing-post broke the story by rolling up their sleeves and doing the kind of reporting that won them the puleiter prize a few years ago-- they parafrayed fraidz a college newspaper column from washington state university. the original pieces of written by for-sure real person, abbey
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student. and titled, "considering the tabu, exploring the road less traveled." that, of course, a literary reference to poet robert frost's most famous "penthouse" letter. now in the article, they write that a student writes in her article she citeaise study conducted by the national survey of family growth from 2006-2008, which stated that 44% of straight men and 36% of straight women admitted to having anal sex. let's see, 44% of straight men. i got... so that's 36% of straight women... which means that... 8% of straight men aren't as straight as they think they are. ( cheers and applause ) now, folks-- folks, it is this
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type of bold reporting that draws the youth to the new media. old media just doesn't reflect their interests. i've watched hours of cnn's ukraine coverage, and they haven't once mentioned any kind of butt business. even better, huff-po backed up their report by experts in the field like one random student who said, "i'm pretty sure anal sex happens on our campus," though i must say if you're just pretty sure anal sex is happening i'm pretty sure you're to go it wrong. ( laughter ) even though the same student has little doubt anal sex is happening at brown university. which means-- ( laughter ) ( applause ) which means if you're going to brown, you're going to brown.
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now, for more of the vital national conversation about the backdoor, please welcome youth trend expert and managing editor of the huffington post, randy ferrar. thank you for joining us. good to see you. ( cheers and applause ). >> what's up, my man? >> stephen: it's a great report, randy osomeone else's report. >> grassuous. these articles don't cut and paste themselves. >> stephen: rapidy, is this article true? is anal sex really rampant in colleges across america? >> oh, yeah, it is definitely happening all of the time. blowing up. >> stephen: randy, how old are you? >> 39. >> stephen: and you're the managing editor of the "huffington post." >> so i've heard. >> stephen: what is your actual connection with college
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again? >> i drive a food truck around the quad, but i am always checking out the situation. >> stephen: so why are the students getting more interested in the, ah-- well, the backdoor. >> because people are cool, back door, front toor, side door-- it don't matter. >> stephen: what is the side door, randy? >> only one way to find out. ( laughter ). >> stephen: andy, this is a pretty bold claim about a youth trend. do you guys at the huffington post have anything to back it up. >> backing it up is what it's all about. ( cheers and applause ). you have a fine-looking audience here tonight. a of i really like the candy. >> stephen: randy, please tonight talk to the audience. okay? i thought the huff igths post started as a liberal news blog that reported on national issues like surveillance and global warming. >> if the whole world is warming
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up it it stand to reason the back door, will, too. that's just science. >> this seems kind of creepy. the average age of a huffington post reader is over 35. so why is the site so interested in college kids' sex lives. >> you need to loosen up old man. let me tell you a joke, knock-- >> we don't have time. >> stephen: of. >> knock, knock. >> stephen: who's there? >> nobody because andy is going around to the backdoor. >> stephen: huff post editor randy ferrar, everyone. ♪ [ male announcer ] when you feel good, no one is immune. emergen-c has more vitamin c than 10 oranges plus other antioxidants and electrolytes
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to help you come down with a serious case of healthy. emergen-c. making healthy contagious.
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>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. national, you know i've got my opinions. that's not a secret. but i have never been one to sit in judgment. i prefer to recline. this is ticht hat, wag of the finger. ( cheers and applause ) first up on tippy canoe and the wag-wag 2. i always supported the government spying programs but apparently unchecked eavesdropping on our own citizens comes with a terrible price-- the price. >> the federal government is now suing sprint over the cost of bugging people's phones. the lawsuit filed monday claims sprint overbilled the f.b.i. and other agencies by $21 million for installing and maintaining wiretaps. >> stephen: classic phone
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company trick. you think you have an all-inclusive man plan and then they hit you with the line maintenance charge. i'll give a tip of the hat to the u.s. department of justice for publicly suing sprint over their top-secret wiretapping program. ( cheers and applause ) i mean, that takes balls. it's like a guy telling his wife, "i want you to know i'm suing the prostitute that gave us both herpes. by the way, i go to prostitutes and you now have herpes. folks it should not have come to this. so i'm going to have to give a side wag of the finger to barack obama for wasting almost $21 million of taxpayer cash. mr. president, i'm not angry. i'm just stipulated. i thought you were able to handle a widespread surveillance program at your age. you said you had to have one
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because all the other leaders of the free world did, but it was supposed to be for engineer of emergencies only. if you need thwart a major terrorist attack. then you rack up $21 million in overage charges. you should have thought ahead and signed up for friends, family, and everyone else plan. look, someone has to pay for this, sir, because even the president of the comiewts is bound by his cell phone agreement though apparently not by the constitution. now, final he, folks, finally-- don't forget to sign upinar obamacare, by the way. finally, i know a lot of you highigh schoolers out there are feeling the upcoming stress of the test. i'll go through sin "new york times" s.a.t., panic, anxiety, horror, and failure. but don't worry.
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don't worry. you will do fine, and if you don't, the cops scwenses will haunt you for the reft of your life. >> the number of employers are asking job applicants if s.a.t. scoardz. we're talking about people in their 40sand 50. >> according to the "wall street journal" consulting firms and banks are asking them even for senior and management-level job. >> stephen: i'm giving a tip of the hat to wall street for ensure one tempt on one at a in the spring of your junior year seals your fate forever. why should we stop at test scores? they should have your permanent record. because if you were suspended for cheating, welcome to goldman's. now critics say there is scant evidence linking high sat scores, but i know for a fact,
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s.a.t. scores are the best barometer for the future, because the owner of viacom scored 1600, and i know it's a good idea to say that your boss is perfecto national television. so, teams, i want you to ruminate with alacrity and because if you tank your verbal section the only question you'll have to answer when you're 40 is, "what kind of sexa act would pefer in exchange for food?" the answer-- all of the above and some of the below. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) wow, thanks. join dd perks today and get a free medium beverage. then, every dollar you spend on a dunkin' product earns you points for more free medium beverages. enroll today. america runs on dunkin'.
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( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight graduated hool at 11, college at 15, went to law school at 15. please welcome ronan farrow. ♪ fly me to the moon ♪. >> thanks for coming. now, as i said earlier, you're a rhodes scholar. yale law school grad. served for two years as a u.s. diplomat in afghanistan. now at age 26 you're the host of "ronan farrow daily "on msn daily. every day. >> every day. >> stephen: 1:00 p.m. week days to appeal to the youth
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demographic of people moare just waking up from not getting to their jobs. >> let me stop you there. it is not a youth show. it is a show they think-- and we see this in our tigital audience, which has-- check thes can my generation -- >> stephen: what generation is that? >> strange people who have worked in afghanistan and the state department and now run a tv show? but that's the target demo. these are all roads scoarls. >> in the universal voices of the rhodes scholars. >> stephen: you're 26 years old. >> i'm 26. >> stephen: they hire mostly at msnbc to be shilz for the left. are you a shill for the left? >> i could secretly be an o'reilly type. papa bear. you are my papa bear. >> stephen: really?
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( applause ) what do you hope to accomplish with your show that you couldn't do with new media? because you young people-- how old are you? >> 26. >> stephen: 26. you could actually still be on your mother's health insurance thanks to obamacare. >> true, true. right, isn't that a wonderful thing? what to you hope to accomplish with that show that you couldn't accomplish with new media. isn't the old media dead according to the yuck people. one of the advantages i was referring to earlier is not just about reaching out to people my age. it's about bridging that divide. and i found audience members old and young tonight want to be left on the side of the road. people are all ages, grandmothers saying, "and i left church collection early to vote and be are part of your show and talk about syria and blank out my social media avatar to try to
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make a statement on the desk tool in syria. >> people are getting involved in which i think they don't often have a chance to do in cable news. >> stephen: what trap do you not want to fall into that you see the rest of cable news fall into? >> i think it's a lot of rhetoric and a lot of people shouting at each other. >> stephen: the more you shout the brighter you. do you shout at your guests? >> i studied you for the shouting technique. you do it very. but there's not enough giving people really useful, tangible information so when they walk away from a story they have something they can use to guide them, or just have a cocktail party. on your television network, msnbc, are you legally allowed to do a show without referring to chris christie right now?
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i would say, look, i as a viewer do respect the body of reporting. i have a very sensitive near the for, another is there partisanship goingy here? i think the reporting is held up. it's a story you can field on. where to you fall on the spectrum. are you a raging liberal or further left than that? >> it's not right or left. and honestly that comes from being served in government and fed up with how broken the system is and coming out with an anti-establishment bent. it's broken and shining a light from the outside seems like a good idea. >> stephen: wiewf been asked to tweet a call to action. >> sometimes not just twitter. sometimes it's a call to a senator. or like sir yoo, making a statement on social media. the ideal is we give you a tool set and a menu of things you
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actually do. >> stephen: do you think young people-- and i'm going to say-- speak for all young people. don't you think if there's really going to be a rev liewgz in this country we can't actually be tweeting and blogs and throwing. don't people have to get to the streets and throw bricks at windows. >> it didn't have to be a shaetering. the tea matter came close, but they didn't get violent as much as they were accused of it. don't you think there has to be some kind of violent revolution in america for things to get better. isn't it nice talking about-- >> you make a very good point. i was responsible for the arab spring. we had a youth revolution think
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tank. i'm not saying everything we did worked. we created it because there was a story going around as horrible media. sometimes twitter and facebook obscure the fact that sometimes we back the bad guys and sometimes people don't like that, and there's a feeling of being out of touch on their parents upon you are absolutely right, that no amount or tweeting will supplant real action in the real world or cover up policy that caters to a generation. i think these are all tools to communicate but they're not an investment. >> stephen: you finished high school at 11:00? you finished college at 15. you went off to law school at 16, you to the a midlife crisis. >> the 30ings. the golden 30s, miry tournament rerra.
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thank you so much for joining me. check it hello, america. the folks at wonderful pistachios have asked me to help sell their product. but, come on. they're wonderful. i'm wonderful. they'll sell themselves. i think we're done. yeah. you were good.
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♪ oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪ i'm ten feet tall ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: that's it for the ieshed


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